So, Here I Go.

 I've made a decision. I absolutely, do not love myself enough. And it has gotten to the point of so badly hindering me from so much growth, as well as damaging my perspective on just about everything and thus not allowing me to be enjoying my life nearly as much as I should. And I have decided that it is time for all of that to end. 

The initial realization of this was incredibly hard to deal with. All of my life I have believed myself to be a very emotionally strong person, having been through more then my fair share of shitty life events. However, I'd always thought that at some point I had reached a balance of  bad memories and positive attitude, I thought myself to be pretty much "over it", and "totally stable." I really thought that I was in a solid place mentally and paid no mind to the storm of negativity that was constantly hovering in the back of my mind. Literally behind every hidden thought. I had found myself always assuming the worst in every situation, and every other person and it was seriously affecting my personal relationships. And of course all the other toxic emotions that rooted from self loathing came with it. Insecurity, jealousy, inability to trust those closest to me, paranoia, depression, apathy, and truth be told some downright sluggish behavior. To sum it up, I just always felt like I was not a pleasant person to be around, I just always felt like I was lesser then other people. 

I hate to admit that this is what it took for me to finally realize how much I was hurting myself. I came really, really close to losing my relationship with my boyfriend because I was basically sabotaging myself from the inside. Thankfully, I was able to open my eyes and decide to take action against it. So I became inspired. 

For the next few weeks I enveloped myself in internet research with one focus. Self Love. I became obsessed and I just wrote down page after page after page with my findings, because writing is kindof my process. What I ended up with was around 100 pages of just thought provoking, inspiring, and positive stuff. So after having the chance to talk about it with a few different people , I have decided to express my personal journey as a blog. Partly as a challenge to  myself, and partly with hopes that this could possibly help someone like me in some way. So I'm making a goal to write about this journey as much as I can as well as try to express some creativity with photos, share some insight and information that I found helpful, and also simply to try something new. 

So here I go...