Commitment Issues

So some significant changes have taken place since my last post. Pretty much all of them good ones. When I was trying to think of how I wanted to put together this post, I looked in to the journal for inspiration, and low and behold, found a post from about a year ago that oddly enough reflects nearly all of the changes that are going on in my life right now. Turns out I'm very much over-do. Which brings up something that I realized about myself today. I am a serial leaf-turner. Constantly in my life, especially in the older years, I have started new lifestyles and tried to implement new and good habits, and then just gave up or let it drift away in the stresses of everyday life. Nothing I did has really stuck. I have expressed motivation, and lacked commitment. Really, I just let myself, and those close to me, down. Over and over again. And I've come to the conclusion that I will be using this blog as a way to hold myself accountable for making these changes permanent.Which is going to be a challenge in itself. And really that just makes this time more important and more exciting. So here is the journal entry that I mentioned, its from last spring.

"Right now I am loving the promise of oncoming change. New home, I am looking forward to a change of scenery, some new air to breathe. I am hopeful that I will repair and rebuild some relationships. I am loving that summer is just around the corner and looking forward to everything that comes with it. I am also excited, however apprehensive about turning 25. It brings with it the excitement and begrudging responsibilities of being an adult. Enough said. Also love the definite change to my body, losing weight, getting healthy, and all that entails, including confidence, perspective and piece of mind."

So some of the things that are going on now. Firstly I am finally working out again. As per usual starting up the jillian michales 30 day dvd. This time however I am also doing dun.. dun .dun, yoga. Right now I'm doing it just after workouts but soon I plan to be doing it twice a day. Around that same time I will be really focusing on eating healthy. I'm not going on any specific diet but I will be cutting out and limiting alot of things, alot of which are things that I love. I'll be cutting out dairy(cheese is my happy place), sweets:see rocky road ice cream, bread and pasta...pasta, beer..., and limiting my meat intake. I'll also be quitting smoking cigarettes again, which has been a battle for me for the past few years. I'll also be making it a point to enjoy every single minute of it and keep a positive attitude as much as I can. I'll be doing alot of reading and research about things to benefit my life for the better in every way. I really cannot express how serious I am about changing my life and learning to appreciate who I am as well as be the best version of myself I can be, because I deserve that. So this is where I am right now and there are other plans that are being made that i will be saying more about as they happen. As, a side note, for anyone that reads this and has something to say about it or finds something that they'd like to share with me, please feel free to do so.

The first list.

So this is the first thing you see when opening the journal that I have that I am currently using as a sort of writing theme cue from post to post. At least for now. I foresee a shit ton of lists in the near future, of all different inspirations and origins, and some of them will have been straight prompted by people with big important degrees that make their living off of this stuff (which I'm going to do my best as far as giving credit where credit is due. Which will come later.

This list is probably the most important one. Because this is the very beginning of a process that very much started as an idea. A little brain seed that seemed important enough to write down, and thus sprouted the little ginger bean roots that were the sparks of a neuron in my brain that sent a nerve impulse and made all  these electrochemical connections, all behind some very possibly tear welled eyes, brought on by too much insecurity and wine. OR possibly during any kind of significant exchanges I would have with any mirrors in my everyday passings, these times where up until I became actively aware of what thoughts were going on, were thoughts of just some seriously damaging stuff. Stuff that if someone else were to say to me, I would be so devastated over, stuff that if I said to other people, would sever friendships instantly, possibly unforgivable stuff. These were things I was thinking about myself, all the time, every day. The first ray of sunshine in this dismal, dark time in my life, is this list.

More of:
Moving on, from old problems, old body, old point of view and state of mind.
Simplicity in every single aspect of my life.
Motivation
Inspiration
Confidence
Newness
Responsibility
Reliability
Adventures
Sex
Strength
Independence
Creativity
Kisses
Exercise
Sunshin
Zen
Laughs
Honesty
Communication
Yes
Individuality
Expression
Kindness
Forgiveness
Routine
Spontaneity
 Open-ness
Learning
Questions


Less:
Stress
Pressure
Pounds
Judgment
Bad habits
Tears
Heartache
Anger
Procrastination
Excuses
No
Dependence
Blending
Hostility
Grudges
Routine
Fear


And so begins a new chapter in my life.
On that note, Today happens to represent a couple of new chapters, 1. Today is my mother's, whom I dearly love, birthday. 2. Today is the day that the love of my life asked me to be his girlfriend. All cute and nerdy like. So these pictures are dedicated to them.

So, Here I Go.

 I've made a decision. I absolutely, do not love myself enough. And it has gotten to the point of so badly hindering me from so much growth, as well as damaging my perspective on just about everything and thus not allowing me to be enjoying my life nearly as much as I should. And I have decided that it is time for all of that to end. 

The initial realization of this was incredibly hard to deal with. All of my life I have believed myself to be a very emotionally strong person, having been through more then my fair share of shitty life events. However, I'd always thought that at some point I had reached a balance of  bad memories and positive attitude, I thought myself to be pretty much "over it", and "totally stable." I really thought that I was in a solid place mentally and paid no mind to the storm of negativity that was constantly hovering in the back of my mind. Literally behind every hidden thought. I had found myself always assuming the worst in every situation, and every other person and it was seriously affecting my personal relationships. And of course all the other toxic emotions that rooted from self loathing came with it. Insecurity, jealousy, inability to trust those closest to me, paranoia, depression, apathy, and truth be told some downright sluggish behavior. To sum it up, I just always felt like I was not a pleasant person to be around, I just always felt like I was lesser then other people. 

I hate to admit that this is what it took for me to finally realize how much I was hurting myself. I came really, really close to losing my relationship with my boyfriend because I was basically sabotaging myself from the inside. Thankfully, I was able to open my eyes and decide to take action against it. So I became inspired. 

For the next few weeks I enveloped myself in internet research with one focus. Self Love. I became obsessed and I just wrote down page after page after page with my findings, because writing is kindof my process. What I ended up with was around 100 pages of just thought provoking, inspiring, and positive stuff. So after having the chance to talk about it with a few different people , I have decided to express my personal journey as a blog. Partly as a challenge to  myself, and partly with hopes that this could possibly help someone like me in some way. So I'm making a goal to write about this journey as much as I can as well as try to express some creativity with photos, share some insight and information that I found helpful, and also simply to try something new. 

So here I go...